So I Actually Think Valentine’s Day is Pretty Rad

Probably because my parents got married on that day.  And they are not divorced.  And I don’t think they have plans to get divorced.  In the near future anyway.   Actually, they’re sort of cute.  It’s almost like they decided that after 25 years of being together, they’re probably not going to get rid of each other, so may as well enjoy it.  They do…date like things now.  It’s SO bizarre.  Old Indians  and dating? What??  I know right?  But seriously.  They will go out to dinner- just because.  And my dad totally knows what things my mom will like and won’t like. “No we can’t get those burritos from Del Taco because she is allergic to jalapeños and yeah I know you can’t see them but last time she broke out in a sweat and got a migrane so lets just go to Baja Fresh after and get her the Very Veggie Burrito without sour cream. She likes that a lot.” Vice versa for my mom.  ”Ok you have to get off that sofa seat next to the window when your dad gets home.  Yes I know that the whole couch is free but your dad particularly likes THAT seat because the wind starts coming around 7pm and he can start to feel it- you know how hot LA gets, and he can put his papers on the table, eat dinner, and watch TV all at the same time- also the other leg rest sort of leans to the right so this is the one that works the best.”

Also, I generally like happy people.  And couples on Valentines Day tend to be pretty happy. Unless you are trying to break up with your significant other but lack the manhood/womanhood to do so.  Then it probably just sucks.  Oh god that must be painful.  Jesus, how do you get through that??

Anyway, point is, who doesn’t like a holiday that promotes chocolate consumption and saying nice things to people?  On principle, I feel like its a good thing.

So here’s to old people dating after 25 years of marriage, chocolate, and saying nice things to people because its probably a good thing to do/long overdue.

My Maid Washes My Dishes With Laundry Detergent (Which Could Possibly Mean I Love You?)

I am pretty convinced that my maid washes my dishes with laundry detergent.  How do I know this?  Besides the fact that a) I had no dishwashing liquid left b) the Tide was sitting right next to my faucet and c) my dishes had a grainy Jasmine residue- totally wild guess.

How do I feel about this? I feel like…my maid has understood that since a) I am probably one of the laziest people ever when it comes to buying things for the house, and b) although she had told me for the past 2 weeks I was running out of liquid, I still managed to avoid buying said liquid, she decided that c) she didn’t want to see me die from rabid mad cow disease and therefore d) decided to improvise and use the only soap like substance in the vicinity. (yes, rabid mad cow disease.  I think that’s a thing.  If it’s not it should be because it sounds like something people would use to scare you into washing your dishes more frequently).

But if you REALLY think about it, is using detergent any different than dishwashing liquid?  I mean, besides the grainy part.  And…the weird residue.

Ok maybe this is a terrible idea.

But I think the only plausible conclusion I can draw is that my maid cares about me enough to make sure my dishes are at LEAST Tide fresh.  I mean hey- that’s something.

I don’t know about you, but I think that’s maid speak for I love you.

Yes Zakira, I love you too.

In that I -would- wash- your- dishes- with- laundry -detergent -in- a- pinch-to-prevent-disease sort of way.

 

Michael Jordan is to Baseball as Anu Sridharan is to Engineering

Lets face it- we both sucked at that thing- we- did- because- it -seemed -like- a- cool- thing- to- do.  (I know I know I know- super blasphemous to be comparing myself to Michael Jordan, but all you Jordan lovers can just get over it.  Go write another blog post about how Kobe and LeBron combined will never be as great as his Airness).

Anyway, point is, sometimes you just have to do stuff to challenge yourself and push the boundaries.  Which is literally why I did engineering.  I mean, there wasn’t any indication that I COULDN”T do it from my high school performance- I figured (like Jordan did) that if you just put in the hard work, it should pay off.  And I mean, it did to some extent.  I put in the hours, worked my ass off, and I got my degree didn’t I?  Was I top of the class?  Lets just say my motto was that C’s get degrees.  But I think Jordan and I both learned that sometimes, it takes more than hard work to really be amazing.  We were both adequate at that- thing- we- did- because- we- thought- it- was- cool.

I think what was missing was that we weren’t doing the thing we LOVED TO DO.  Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t EXACTLY like Jordan in this respect because…well…lets face it.   I didn’t own my own shoe empire before starting engineering.  I hadn’t even done anything worth mentioning till date.  Jordan could just brush it off and be like…whatever, I know what I love to do and guess what, forget this bullshit I’m gonna go back and do my thing (and make a comeback by winning  a few more championships for my squad- no big deal or anything).

The rest of us mortals usually end up with…a shot self esteem.  We just think we suck at life. Or something.  Or maybe God just hates us and never wants us to feel good about ourselves.  So then we go around holding pity parties every 3rd Tuesday of the month for ourselves/everyone else who wants to join.

Hard Work+ Passion= Greatness.

I think Jordan was great because he figured out very early on what he LOVED to do, and then put it the hard work to make it happen. Hard work alone gets you mediocrity, and for most of us, that’s totally fine.  In fact, I think 90% of our workforce performs at less than 60% capacity (I feel like I read that somewhere, and if not maybe I can pay someone to back me up on that).  Point is, it’s passable. It’s fine.

But if you really want to be great, I think you have to put the two together.  I didn’t know what I even wanted to do until I started doing it.  I wish someone had given me this litmus test:  If you would do this thing you do in your spare time, even if nobody paid you, then it’s probably something you’re passionate about.  If you want to be great, that’s what you need to do.  If you don’t mind being average, do anything else.

And don’t get me wrong- there is NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING AVERAGE.  HELLO, I have been average for most of my life.  And let me just say, it’s not so bad.

HOWEVER, what you shouldn’t do is pretend you can be great with the thing that you’re not passionate about.  You’ll just get frustrated.  And hate on everything within a 11.67 mile radius of your hater vibes (yes, this is speaking from experience).

So in the end, just be ok with being average.

And if you decide you want to be great, then figure out what you really want to be doing and then…jesus. Just go do it already.

My Attempts at Being a Proper Indian Woman

A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to try and be a perfectly proper Indian woman.      This was how it went down.

Anu: Ok Sid, you’re gonna teach me how to act like a normal Indian girl

Sid: You’re kidding.

Anu: NO! I’m serious dude. You are going to teach me.

Sid: I can’t.  I’m not THAT good of a teacher. This is WAY to difficult here.

Anu: OH MY GOD JUST TEACH ME ALREADY!

Sid: ok ok! GOD.  Ok first of all, you can’t do that.

Anu: Do what?

Sid: You know- outbursts like that. Not ok.

Anu: Jesus, why is that so bad?  If you just stopped saying stupid things, I wouldn’t have to outburst like that.

Sid: Do you WANT me to teach you or not?

Anu: Fine fine fine.

Sid: Oh yeah! And when you meet someone new, wait until you’ve been introduced before you say your name and introduce yourself

Anu: But that’s stupid- I’ll be waiting around forever! You ALWAYS forget to introduce me to your friends and I’m just sitting there like an idiot until

Sid: ANU!

Anu: UGH fine. Ok no introducing myself to people.

Sid:  Yeah, and don’t talk to random people either.  Especially guys.  They’ll think you’re easy.

Sid: PSH whatever.  They can think whatever they want.  They are SERIOUSLY not getting any

Sid: ANU it doesn’t MATTER what will actually happen.  Proper Indian women don’t come off as easy

Anu: I’m easy because I TALK TO PEOPLE?!

Sid: Hey, YOU asked ME to teach you here

Anu: UGH FINE. Ok no introducing yourself, and no talking to random people, especially guys.  Seriously. what do girls do for fun here anyway?

Sid: OH YEAH. And your blog.  You have to shut it down

Anu: what

Sid: Yeah! You can’t be talking about all the stuff you talk about.  That’s totally not allowed

Anu: UGHHH ok what if I just don’t friend anyone on Facebook.  Maybe that would work.  GOD this is complicated

Sid: Oh yeah.  And you can’t swear. Like at all.  Nothing even remotely close to swearing

Anu: I mean what if I get really pissed and

Sid: No- nothing.

Anu: UGH seriously?! Whatever. Ok next

Sid: Oh yeah- really important. You have to be a bitch

Anu: Wait- you said I already was.  I mean that’s what you call me ALL the time

Sid: No, not THAT kind of a bitch.  You chew people out and are just insult people in general.  You have to be the kind that doesn’t talk to people and acts too good for everyone.  You know.  Snobby and stuff.

Anu: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

Sid: well you ASKED me

Anu: This was the STUPIDEST Idea I have ever had! GOD I QUIT!  JESUS how do girls STAND it?!

Sid: I mean…

Anu: Man, I would rather poke both my eyes out with 76 tiny needles and simultaneously induce vomit..TWICE, than try and keep up this

Sid: EW ANU THAT IS SO GROSS

Anu: Oh my god stop being such a little wuss. Suck it up.

Sid: AND she’s back.  Thank god.  That was weird.

Anu: UGH I don’t think I’m ever going back.  That was way too traumatizing. How long was I a girl for?

Sid: 7 minutes.

Anu: That was 7 minutes too long.

Dear Famous People: Thank you SO Much for Making Me Feel Like More of A Loser Than Usual

Now that I run a company I get to go to fancy conferences with super fancy people.  Not gonna lie, I used to dream/fantasize about the day I got to spend my days playing business casual dress up and talk about important things with important people.  I know what you’re thinking-  THIS was your fantasy? Seriously??  I know.  If we could give out awards for lamest/nerdiest fantasy, I would definitely be in the running for an Academy.  (PS This would be an AWESOME award to start BTW if anyone is interested in starting it- do we already have this? Can I get nominated yet? I love trophies.)

Anyway, point is, in this same nerd fantasy , me and said famous people would bond over our shared intense dislike (we don’t like using the word hate in public) of American foreign policy and/or the state of the Indian education system, and then have this incredibly deep intellectual exchange as we work together to figure out how to achieve world peace. Or reducing Greenhouse Gas emissions.  Maybe ending famine?  Whatever. Point is- deep stuff here.  Me+ Famous person. Talking.  Laughing. Good times are being had. While obviously doing something super important.  OBVIOUSLY.

Oh yeah, I should probably define “Famous”.  I’m not talking Brad and Angelina status or anything.  I’m actually talking about people who have accomplished more than me in his/her life.  Maybe President/CEO of something big and awesome. So I guess the Anu rule of thumb to define “famous” is someone who can get more than 10,000 likes on a Facebook page.  Or generate more than (Insert somewhat large-ish amount of money) in annual revenue for his/her company.  Investors count too since…lets be real here- when have rich people NOT been influential?  Wow Anu, this is pretty specific.  I know.  Did I mention that I tend to make up metrics for somewhat arbitrary and random things in my free time?  (Yes, “Nerdiest/Most Bizarre Use of Free Time” is another award I hope to win in the future).

Unfortunately, this is not what usually happens during these business casual events.  This is usually how it goes down:

Me: First of all, I really want to say I think what you are doing is so inspiring and your talk was so great- you definitely put words to things I was feeling but didn’t know how to say! Thank you!

Influential Person: *eyes glazing over/weak smile*

Me: So I REALLY wanted to kn..

Influential Person: HARVEY! It’s SO great to see you! *Harvey is recipient of air kiss to both cheeks*

Me: Um…ok…yeah…great talking with you…I’ll just move out of your way here….ok yeah thanks….

Yup.  This is pretty much how it works out.  And if you’re thinking that this sounds a bit like high school where nerd kid finally gets the courage to walk over/talk to the kids at the popular table but then gets shot down REAL fast (like in the first scene of every single high school movie ever made…EVER), you are absolutely right- it totally is.

So now I have decided that my backup business plan is trying to master the art of intensely searching for the bathroom/coffee/”misplaced” cell phone after awkward breaks in conversation so I can market and sell the DVD to all those who want to avoid rejection/humiliation in various, yet similar, circumstances.

I feel like I am on to something here.  Look for DVDs in late night infomercials near you.

When Awkward People (i.e. Me) Give TED Talks= Awkward Times

Now let me just say that when I first got the invite to speak at TEDx Gateway, I thought it was a mistake.  I pinched myself, called over my roommate, asked if I was reading it right, and then emailed the committee to ask if they made a mistake. (No seriously, I did).

And like all events in my life, this event was no less awkward.  But I learned a lot.

Here are my key (awkward) learnings:

1. When asked for a short profile about yourself, that is fancy conference talk for 3 pages about everything you have ever done in your entire life that is cool. Problem 1: I did not get this memo.  Problem 2: Even if I had, I wouldn’t have 3 pages to fill with cool stuff I have done (unless you count coming 38th in an Indian Spelling Bee in 3rd Grade, being the loser of graduate school-dom, really doing poorly in school, and being awkward in general).   This was my bio. Notice its lengthy meatiness. This was the average TEDx Gateway speaker bio.  If you are not intimidated, you are probably on crack and I would like to try and sell you the Golden Gate Bridge for the low cost of $99,000,000.

2.  Do not wear shoes that you bought on the roadside for $1.25 the day before.  Why you ask?  Let me tell you.  Because what happens is that an hour before your talk, your shoes will decide to stage a mutiny and break in half.  And since your talk is at 10 (and all the shoe stores in India only open at 11) you either a) borrow shoes from a kind and gracious Indian woman or b) fix your old ones. Unfortunately, since my foot can eat another Indian woman’s foot for lunch (i.e. I have big ass feet), I had to salvage said shoes.  Yes- this means duct taping my shoes together. Oh and yes- you get full body shots on camera. AWESOME.

3.  Listen to what the announcer says about you BEFORE you go on stage.  This will help you understand WHY the audience is booing you right before you go out. But Anu, doesn’t that just happen in movies, and NOT real life? Oh no, if your life is that of A. Sridharan, it happens my friend.  Since I felt I had more pressing problems on my hands (or feet in this situation) I, like the intelligent female that I am, totally ignored whatever announcer dude was saying about me-up until the yelling.  But by then, I couldn’t back out and they were motioning for me to go onstage.  So I did.  Waving like a moron.  And then of course, I decided to say the MOST intelligent thing I could think of.  Which at the time, was a SUPER cheesy line from one of the 6 hindi movies I have seen in my entire life.  Now if you go out on a limb and say a super cheesy line in a foreign country, you already feel like an idiot for saying said cheesy line.  The only way you know you pulled it off is by gauging the audience reaction.  Lets just say if there was a tiny cricket playing a tiny violin at the back of the auditorium I SWEAR I would have been able to hear it.  THAT was the audience reaction.  Probably because (I found out later), the announcer had just made some sexist comments 5 seconds before (something about linking my looks to my intelligence).  So BASICALLY, I followed sexist comment with ridiculously intelligent line pulled from random Hindi movie I saw 3 years ago.

I really don’t think I did feminism any favors that day.

So kids, I hope we all learned a valuable lesson today.  Don’t drink and drive, and if scientists ever want to isolate the awkward gene in an effort to cure awkwardness (you know, in a future where all the good diseases like AIDS and cancer are already cured), I am willing to donate my stem cells after I die- as my contribution to the future of humanity.

Things I Think About But Will Probably Never Do.

As I was sitting in the Mayors office, waiting for bureaucratic approval for something or other (without my Ipad to amuse me/get work done) I decided to make a list of all the things I think about frequently, but would probably never do.

1. Go back to college.  Find a huge lecture hall.  Make Sure a final exam is going on.  Proceed to take final exam.  Halfway through exam, stand up.  Rip up paper. Throw pieces up in air.  Exclaim at the unfairness of this test.  Yell at the unfairness of the institution of higher learning in America.  Make another ridiculous yet pseudo philosophical comment that will only make sense to those people that chain themselves to trees.  Make sure everyone is staring.  Cry.  A lot. Run out of room before security comes.
2. Find the toughest sounding (but weakest looking) person in the room.  Make sure he is a dick.  Punch his face.  Do Jersey Shore fist pump.  Walk out.
3. Go to a bar.  Bring willing accomplis.  Around midnight, stand on top of the bar. Get everyone’s attention. Propose to said accomplis.  Have said accomplis reject you.  Look mortified.  Have said accomplis run out of bar. Stay at the bar and get free pity drinks all night.  Make up stories about how I lost my soul mate.
4. Pee on the side of the road.  Man style.  In America.
5. Use the line, “Last year, when I was a man- I mean…before I went to Thailand” in conversation.
6.  Make a parody video about “Development”- mostly reinacting this article.  Scene 1: World Bank worker talking about successful hygiene projects.  Immediately cut to scene 2: “Mommy Mommy today I threw my feces at grandma because the teacher told me that not pooping in toilets was bad and grandma was doing bad things”
7. Run for political office in Macedonia.  Or Dijibouti.  If it is not a democracy, try to become dictator.  If I can’t actually be dictator, then become BFFs with said person in total and complete power.

Before I got any further the Mayor came out.

 

The End.