My Attempts at Being a Proper Indian Woman

A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to try and be a perfectly proper Indian woman.      This was how it went down.

Anu: Ok Sid, you’re gonna teach me how to act like a normal Indian girl

Sid: You’re kidding.

Anu: NO! I’m serious dude. You are going to teach me.

Sid: I can’t.  I’m not THAT good of a teacher. This is WAY to difficult here.

Anu: OH MY GOD JUST TEACH ME ALREADY!

Sid: ok ok! GOD.  Ok first of all, you can’t do that.

Anu: Do what?

Sid: You know- outbursts like that. Not ok.

Anu: Jesus, why is that so bad?  If you just stopped saying stupid things, I wouldn’t have to outburst like that.

Sid: Do you WANT me to teach you or not?

Anu: Fine fine fine.

Sid: Oh yeah! And when you meet someone new, wait until you’ve been introduced before you say your name and introduce yourself

Anu: But that’s stupid- I’ll be waiting around forever! You ALWAYS forget to introduce me to your friends and I’m just sitting there like an idiot until

Sid: ANU!

Anu: UGH fine. Ok no introducing myself to people.

Sid:  Yeah, and don’t talk to random people either.  Especially guys.  They’ll think you’re easy.

Sid: PSH whatever.  They can think whatever they want.  They are SERIOUSLY not getting any

Sid: ANU it doesn’t MATTER what will actually happen.  Proper Indian women don’t come off as easy

Anu: I’m easy because I TALK TO PEOPLE?!

Sid: Hey, YOU asked ME to teach you here

Anu: UGH FINE. Ok no introducing yourself, and no talking to random people, especially guys.  Seriously. what do girls do for fun here anyway?

Sid: OH YEAH. And your blog.  You have to shut it down

Anu: what

Sid: Yeah! You can’t be talking about all the stuff you talk about.  That’s totally not allowed

Anu: UGHHH ok what if I just don’t friend anyone on Facebook.  Maybe that would work.  GOD this is complicated

Sid: Oh yeah.  And you can’t swear. Like at all.  Nothing even remotely close to swearing

Anu: I mean what if I get really pissed and

Sid: No- nothing.

Anu: UGH seriously?! Whatever. Ok next

Sid: Oh yeah- really important. You have to be a bitch

Anu: Wait- you said I already was.  I mean that’s what you call me ALL the time

Sid: No, not THAT kind of a bitch.  You chew people out and are just insult people in general.  You have to be the kind that doesn’t talk to people and acts too good for everyone.  You know.  Snobby and stuff.

Anu: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

Sid: well you ASKED me

Anu: This was the STUPIDEST Idea I have ever had! GOD I QUIT!  JESUS how do girls STAND it?!

Sid: I mean…

Anu: Man, I would rather poke both my eyes out with 76 tiny needles and simultaneously induce vomit..TWICE, than try and keep up this

Sid: EW ANU THAT IS SO GROSS

Anu: Oh my god stop being such a little wuss. Suck it up.

Sid: AND she’s back.  Thank god.  That was weird.

Anu: UGH I don’t think I’m ever going back.  That was way too traumatizing. How long was I a girl for?

Sid: 7 minutes.

Anu: That was 7 minutes too long.

Dear Famous People: Thank you SO Much for Making Me Feel Like More of A Loser Than Usual

Now that I run a company I get to go to fancy conferences with super fancy people.  Not gonna lie, I used to dream/fantasize about the day I got to spend my days playing business casual dress up and talk about important things with important people.  I know what you’re thinking-  THIS was your fantasy? Seriously??  I know.  If we could give out awards for lamest/nerdiest fantasy, I would definitely be in the running for an Academy.  (PS This would be an AWESOME award to start BTW if anyone is interested in starting it- do we already have this? Can I get nominated yet? I love trophies.)

Anyway, point is, in this same nerd fantasy , me and said famous people would bond over our shared intense dislike (we don’t like using the word hate in public) of American foreign policy and/or the state of the Indian education system, and then have this incredibly deep intellectual exchange as we work together to figure out how to achieve world peace. Or reducing Greenhouse Gas emissions.  Maybe ending famine?  Whatever. Point is- deep stuff here.  Me+ Famous person. Talking.  Laughing. Good times are being had. While obviously doing something super important.  OBVIOUSLY.

Oh yeah, I should probably define “Famous”.  I’m not talking Brad and Angelina status or anything.  I’m actually talking about people who have accomplished more than me in his/her life.  Maybe President/CEO of something big and awesome. So I guess the Anu rule of thumb to define “famous” is someone who can get more than 10,000 likes on a Facebook page.  Or generate more than (Insert somewhat large-ish amount of money) in annual revenue for his/her company.  Investors count too since…lets be real here- when have rich people NOT been influential?  Wow Anu, this is pretty specific.  I know.  Did I mention that I tend to make up metrics for somewhat arbitrary and random things in my free time?  (Yes, “Nerdiest/Most Bizarre Use of Free Time” is another award I hope to win in the future).

Unfortunately, this is not what usually happens during these business casual events.  This is usually how it goes down:

Me: First of all, I really want to say I think what you are doing is so inspiring and your talk was so great- you definitely put words to things I was feeling but didn’t know how to say! Thank you!

Influential Person: *eyes glazing over/weak smile*

Me: So I REALLY wanted to kn..

Influential Person: HARVEY! It’s SO great to see you! *Harvey is recipient of air kiss to both cheeks*

Me: Um…ok…yeah…great talking with you…I’ll just move out of your way here….ok yeah thanks….

Yup.  This is pretty much how it works out.  And if you’re thinking that this sounds a bit like high school where nerd kid finally gets the courage to walk over/talk to the kids at the popular table but then gets shot down REAL fast (like in the first scene of every single high school movie ever made…EVER), you are absolutely right- it totally is.

So now I have decided that my backup business plan is trying to master the art of intensely searching for the bathroom/coffee/”misplaced” cell phone after awkward breaks in conversation so I can market and sell the DVD to all those who want to avoid rejection/humiliation in various, yet similar, circumstances.

I feel like I am on to something here.  Look for DVDs in late night infomercials near you.

When Awkward People (i.e. Me) Give TED Talks= Awkward Times

Now let me just say that when I first got the invite to speak at TEDx Gateway, I thought it was a mistake.  I pinched myself, called over my roommate, asked if I was reading it right, and then emailed the committee to ask if they made a mistake. (No seriously, I did).

And like all events in my life, this event was no less awkward.  But I learned a lot.

Here are my key (awkward) learnings:

1. When asked for a short profile about yourself, that is fancy conference talk for 3 pages about everything you have ever done in your entire life that is cool. Problem 1: I did not get this memo.  Problem 2: Even if I had, I wouldn’t have 3 pages to fill with cool stuff I have done (unless you count coming 38th in an Indian Spelling Bee in 3rd Grade, being the loser of graduate school-dom, really doing poorly in school, and being awkward in general).   This was my bio. Notice its lengthy meatiness. This was the average TEDx Gateway speaker bio.  If you are not intimidated, you are probably on crack and I would like to try and sell you the Golden Gate Bridge for the low cost of $99,000,000.

2.  Do not wear shoes that you bought on the roadside for $1.25 the day before.  Why you ask?  Let me tell you.  Because what happens is that an hour before your talk, your shoes will decide to stage a mutiny and break in half.  And since your talk is at 10 (and all the shoe stores in India only open at 11) you either a) borrow shoes from a kind and gracious Indian woman or b) fix your old ones. Unfortunately, since my foot can eat another Indian woman’s foot for lunch (i.e. I have big ass feet), I had to salvage said shoes.  Yes- this means duct taping my shoes together. Oh and yes- you get full body shots on camera. AWESOME.

3.  Listen to what the announcer says about you BEFORE you go on stage.  This will help you understand WHY the audience is booing you right before you go out. But Anu, doesn’t that just happen in movies, and NOT real life? Oh no, if your life is that of A. Sridharan, it happens my friend.  Since I felt I had more pressing problems on my hands (or feet in this situation) I, like the intelligent female that I am, totally ignored whatever announcer dude was saying about me-up until the yelling.  But by then, I couldn’t back out and they were motioning for me to go onstage.  So I did.  Waving like a moron.  And then of course, I decided to say the MOST intelligent thing I could think of.  Which at the time, was a SUPER cheesy line from one of the 6 hindi movies I have seen in my entire life.  Now if you go out on a limb and say a super cheesy line in a foreign country, you already feel like an idiot for saying said cheesy line.  The only way you know you pulled it off is by gauging the audience reaction.  Lets just say if there was a tiny cricket playing a tiny violin at the back of the auditorium I SWEAR I would have been able to hear it.  THAT was the audience reaction.  Probably because (I found out later), the announcer had just made some sexist comments 5 seconds before (something about linking my looks to my intelligence).  So BASICALLY, I followed sexist comment with ridiculously intelligent line pulled from random Hindi movie I saw 3 years ago.

I really don’t think I did feminism any favors that day.

So kids, I hope we all learned a valuable lesson today.  Don’t drink and drive, and if scientists ever want to isolate the awkward gene in an effort to cure awkwardness (you know, in a future where all the good diseases like AIDS and cancer are already cured), I am willing to donate my stem cells after I die- as my contribution to the future of humanity.

Things I Think About But Will Probably Never Do.

As I was sitting in the Mayors office, waiting for bureaucratic approval for something or other (without my Ipad to amuse me/get work done) I decided to make a list of all the things I think about frequently, but would probably never do.

1. Go back to college.  Find a huge lecture hall.  Make Sure a final exam is going on.  Proceed to take final exam.  Halfway through exam, stand up.  Rip up paper. Throw pieces up in air.  Exclaim at the unfairness of this test.  Yell at the unfairness of the institution of higher learning in America.  Make another ridiculous yet pseudo philosophical comment that will only make sense to those people that chain themselves to trees.  Make sure everyone is staring.  Cry.  A lot. Run out of room before security comes.
2. Find the toughest sounding (but weakest looking) person in the room.  Make sure he is a dick.  Punch his face.  Do Jersey Shore fist pump.  Walk out.
3. Go to a bar.  Bring willing accomplis.  Around midnight, stand on top of the bar. Get everyone’s attention. Propose to said accomplis.  Have said accomplis reject you.  Look mortified.  Have said accomplis run out of bar. Stay at the bar and get free pity drinks all night.  Make up stories about how I lost my soul mate.
4. Pee on the side of the road.  Man style.  In America.
5. Use the line, “Last year, when I was a man- I mean…before I went to Thailand” in conversation.
6.  Make a parody video about “Development”- mostly reinacting this article.  Scene 1: World Bank worker talking about successful hygiene projects.  Immediately cut to scene 2: “Mommy Mommy today I threw my feces at grandma because the teacher told me that not pooping in toilets was bad and grandma was doing bad things”
7. Run for political office in Macedonia.  Or Dijibouti.  If it is not a democracy, try to become dictator.  If I can’t actually be dictator, then become BFFs with said person in total and complete power.

Before I got any further the Mayor came out.

 

The End.

Videoblog: Pseudo Awkward Interviews With Pseudo Famous People- John Owen

In Goa, my friend Adity and I were at a cafe and she saw a random guy taking pictures of a bench.  He had a nice camera.  Adity said we should interview him because he looked interesting.

I literally walked up to a random man and asked if we could interview him.  Turns out he was a Bollywood Writer/Director.

Go figure.

Here is the Interview

The Awkward Chronicles: I Did Not Pee My Pants, I Did Not Trip/Faceplant, I Did Not Wear My Clothes Inside Out and Other Stories of Wildly Unimaginable Success (Part 1 of a 3 Part Series)

“I think success can be defined by….not peeing in ones shorts.”

-Someone at some point, somewhere

People define success in a lot of different ways.  Oh look I just completed a multi billion dollar corporate merger.  Oh look I just got 150 million billion hits on my 80s grunge hipster gangsta rap jazz mashup of Hey Jude.  Oh look I just cured cancer.

I have, however, learned to define success in more basic ways- following 2 main criteria: Have my moments of utter public humiliation been kept to a minimum, am I (and/or the people I care about) dead?  If the answers are yes and no (in that order), I usually tend to think God may love me after all.

But in true zen master form (I may or may not be reading the autobiography of Phil Jackson), I have constructed each criteria from learnings during critical phases of life: High school, College, and Post College

Part 1: High school learnings

High School Learnings:  Do not accidentally pee in your shorts during your junior varsity basketball practice in front of people with names like Shaneequa and  LaShandra (who are, incidentally, stars of the Varsity girls basketball team).  It is probably also not a good idea to pee in your shorts in front of people with names like Jenny and Mary who are not really stars of anything but seem like they could probably give Martha Stewart a run for her money in a cupcake making competition.  I didn’t really know people like that in high school, but I am guessing that you shouldn’t pee your shorts in front of them either.  In fact, peeing in your shorts is just not a good idea in general.  I would try to avoid it at all costs.

Unfortunately, if you have a 1.5 pack of abs like I did in high school (yes, you can have a 1.5 ab pack if you only do sideways crunches on your right side and avoid doing left side ones because you are too tired) and don’t exercise your bladder control muscles enough (yes, they actually exist), any unintentional bladder squeezing (during things like running 2 miles under 18 minutes during junior varsity basketball practice) will induce peeing in ones shorts.

If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation, and also find yourself remembering all those late 90′s high school movies where the nerdy kid (who is usually white but we all know would be Indian if there were enough Indians who acted in Hollywood at that time) ended up being laughed out of school for doing something even less embarrassing than peeing in their shorts (like wanting to go to prom with the hottest guy in school), be careful you don’t pee your shorts even more than you already have.  I’m telling you because that was the first thing that ran through my head.

Also, in these situations, please note that although there will be nice girls on your basketball team who have enough common sense to realize a painfully awkward situation when they see one and enough sympathy to leave the nerdy Indian kid who only got on the team because she made it to 5am morning practices on time, you will inevitably wind up walking in front of the scariest, biggest, and meanest girl on the varsity basketball team. And she will notice said stain and make a mocking/insinuating comment about it to her other scary and intimidating friend.  Trust me- it’s pretty much a fact.

In case you find yourself in this situation, the best thing to do is stay calm, and play dead.  Yes, you heard right.  Stay calm and play dead.  Well ok- not literally fake a heart attack or anything (although that may also work), but make it really un-fun to pursue any form of emotional torture.  Let me just say that feigning complete and total ignorance works wonders.

Shaneequa: Anu! What’s that thing at the back of your shorts?

Anu: Oh wow! Didn’t even notice that was there…crazy.

Shaneequa: Anu. What the hell IS that?

Anu: Man…I think it must be sweat…. or something.

Shaneequa: Anu! That does NOT look like sweat to me!! *laughscofflaughsnickercough*

Anu: Huh.  Well Shaneequa.  If its not sweat I…. really don’t know what it is.

Shaneequa stares at Anu.  Anu Stares at Shaneequa. The Earth turns a millionth of a centimeter.  Somewhere in Italy a man is delinting his cashmere sweatervest collection.  Atlas may or may not shrug.

Shaneequa:…FINE.  But I still don’t think that’s sweat.

Anu: Huh.  Maybe.  Who knows.

Shaneequa: Whatever.

Anu: Yeah.

After that day, I realized that every day I did not inadvertently pee my pants was really a blessing from God.   I’m telling you, it’s a great feeling- knowing that your pants and/or shorts are safe from excessive quantities of uric acid and ammonia.

 

 

The Mini Chronicles: My Dad Thinks I Live in a Slum, I Lie to My Maid and Tell Her I’m Half Muslim, My Cousins Advice on Capitalizing on the Shits

My Dad Thinks I Live in  A Slum

I’m pretty convinced my dad thinks I live in a slum.

Dad of Anu (DoA):  Hey I’m coming to visit you this weekend.  Can you book me into a hotel?

Anu: Dad- you’re staying one day.  Why don’t you just stay at my place?

DoA: Well….uh….I don’t want to inconvenience you

Anu: Dad- it’s totally fine!  Stay with me!

DoA: Ok so….here’s the thing.  I don’t want to get malaria so I don’t want to get bitten by mosquitoes so…I think staying in a hotel may be better

Anu:….what.

DoA: You know- I just…want to stay safe

Anu: Ok Dad.  Here’s the thing.  I use all comercially available mechanisms to kill pretty much all insects.  Roaches, mosquitoes, you name it.  I (buy chemicals) to kill it.  So me and 5 star hotel SHOULD be having the same insect status.  ALSO, if they DO have less mosquitoes, I would be careful because they are probably using illegal substances that are not approved for the larger Indian audience (and considering standards for Indian commercial viability) I would be very concerned that you may be in danger of contracting rare and exotic diseases which will lead to a very slow and painful death.  ADDITIONALLY, both of us employ maids to clean the house, AND your room service (i.e. me) may not taste as good (i.e. my cooking sucks) but at least you know I haven’t put roach crap in there because I didn’t like the way you looked at me (wouldn’t do that to you dad- not yet at least).  So BASICALLY, the only REAL reason you would stay at a hotel would to be able to yell at people for their incompetence ( you can usually find a way to do that and they have to take it) but I figure what’s the point in having children (i.e. yours truly) if you can’t tell them they are stupid once in a while right?  THEREFORE, I see NO reason why you need a hotel.

DoA: …….

Anu: Dad?

DoA: …ok…I’ll stay with you…

Anu: Cool! Glad that settled!  So how was your flight in last night?

My Maid who Thinks I’m Muslim

My maid is Muslim.  For some reason, I thought it was a good idea to tell my maid that I was also Muslim (which FYI I am not).  Yes I straight up lied.  Well actually, I copped out and said I was HALF Hindu and HALF Muslim.  I don’t know why.  I guess a part of me was a tiny bit scared that she may hate me and maybe if she thought we shared at least a LITTLE of the same God she wouldn’t hate me so bad.  HOWEVER I failed to realize that I can’t even get the whole Hindu thing right (DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DAMN HOLIDAYS HINDUS HAVE TO REMEMBER?!?!)  so even TRYING to pretend to be one of the Muslim bretheren is out of the question. But now its to late to take it back (OH when I said my Mother was Muslim I actually meant….that she was Hindu.  Got confused…those religions are so similar!) So now I think it backfired because I know I’m supposed to give extra money on special days, but since my “Muslim” mother did not teach me what holidays are special and which ones aren’t, I can’t really do that.  And since 1) I don’t want to be handing out buttloads of cash all the time/she may think I”m super rich and hate me more and 2)  since I’m ALSO not sure if its more insulting to give her extra cash because it’s Jesus’s birthday (because that’s the only real holiday I know) or not to give her any at all, I have yet to give her extra money for her services.  (I mean, what if she’s one of those super religious people who would get pissed for celebrating Jesus?? How should I know??)  Oh did I mention that my Hindi sucks so half the time I just nod and smile because I have no idea WTF she’s talking about?  Yup.  So basically, she just gets no bonuses. Ever.

So now I”m pretty sure Allah, Vishnu &Friends, AND my maid, ALL pretty much hate my guts right about now.

Awesome.

My Cousins Advice on Capitalising on the Shits

When I was at my aunts house in Bangalore I ended up getting sick (i.e. I had the shits).  When I told my cousin about it, he told me I was lucky and I should be happy.

Why?

Because obviously if you have the shits, none of the calories from the junk food get absorbed so you can eat as much as you want without gaining weight.

DUH.

Apparently I’m the slow one in the family.